


there's really no pretending

by FictitiousFanatisch



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Bottom Zayn, Canon Compliant, Feelings, M/M, Sad Liam, Unresolved Romantic Tension, zayn's departure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 16:22:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4794242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FictitiousFanatisch/pseuds/FictitiousFanatisch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Liam hadn't realized how much he needed Zayn until he was no longer there. </em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	there's really no pretending

**Author's Note:**

> 9 thousand words of melancholic bitterness towards Zayn's departure that i still haven't gotten the fuck over. hope you enjoy.  
> title from ' W. A. Y. S. ' By Jhene Aiko.

Liam nervously picks at the loose collar around his neck, anticipation eating him alive. He's standing on the doorstep of this house in Los Angeles - a place he isn't at all familiar with.

He had texted Liam the address earlier this morning along with a vague, ' _hey, can we meet up_?' which didn't at all convey any message in particular to Liam. He's the kind of guy who needs clarification; needs to know and feel confident about what is going to happen before he agrees to anything. But this is just his style - Zayn. To randomly text him at three in the morning and suggest they get together after weeks of silence.

It was weird because - although they have shot each other the odd text back and forth over the duration of the past three months - Liam hadn't really had the time nor opportunity to meet up with Zayn face to face. With finishing up final touches on the album, the North American leg of the tour, the interviews and the shooting of their music video it just wasn't something he could fit into the schedule. It wasn't really up to him. He knows that Zayn understands. He's been busy too.

This whole thing is still pretty new to him - to them _all_ , really. Because well, they'd been living out of each others pockets for almost five years. It had left Liam a bit shell shocked when he woke up that morning without his best friend. He'd known it was coming for awhile, he just - needed some time, is all. Some time to adjust, to get used to this new reality. It was perfectly normal.

All of them had dealt with it in their own way, at first. They all housed a hollowness in their chest for their parted brother, but, for some reason Liam hadn't wanted to mourn with the rest of them. Zayn hadn't really left until a month or two ago. When it finally kicked in. It hadn't really been real until then.

The house isn't too big. It's in a gated community - the same one he'd recalled the older lad talking about when they jokingly had their discussion about living in The Hills. It was a small, suburban home with black shudders and an elegant mahogany door. It's a nice, new home. Liam distracts himself with the architecture of the front porch while he waits.

He hasn't been waiting long, really. It's been less than a minute since Liam rang the doorbell. He's just nervous, for some reason. He's fidgeting with his designer clothes and scraping his soles against the concrete of the porch to try and get his mind off of everything. There's really no reason for him to fret.

No reason at all.

It's just Zayn.

Liam hears the faint thump of footsteps - familiar footsteps, before Zayn opens the door with a sleepy smile. He's in a plain pair of black joggers and a soft cotton t-shirt. He's barefoot, but he doesn't look as if he'd been planning to leave the house at all today.

He's beautiful - as always. His skin is a dim aureate hue, courtesy of the Los Angeles sun. His dark lashes are slightly sleep matted, eyes hooded, his beard slightly scruffy but Liam knows it would be downy under his fingertips if he were to reach out and cup Zayn's cheek. He's got a head of dark brown hair again - no longer experimenting with the rainbow. Liam has never not thought Zayn was attractive, so the color of his hair wasn't really a deal maker nor breaker for him. He does have a special place in his heart for this Zayn, though - the Zayn he grew up with, travelled the world with, fell in love with.

"Hey," Zayn says, those eyes glistening as their gazes connect. Liam swallows, tucks his hands into the front pockets of his jeans before devising a proper response.

"Hey, man," Liam decides, after he releases a heavy breath. He's happy to see Zayn, really. He feels like it's been a lifetime.

Zayn gives him that same look, eyes gentle as he takes in Liam's appearance. There's something unbearably light-weight about the way he's looking at Liam. He's got this unwavering smile gracing his lips, as he opens the door even wider. It's almost like he's still trying to fathom how simple it was to go from familiar strangers to best friends once again.

Liam feels the same. He wishes it hadn't taken them so long for one of them to reach out to the other. Liam sort of wishes it had been him.

He's been in LA for the past couple of days, actually. He's staying at a hotel on the other side of town. They had their final meeting yesterday and Liam already has his things packed and ready to head out again on Saturday.

He's actually really glad he's gotten the chance to see Zayn before going back.

"Thanks for comin' over," Zayn hums, as Liam steps into the home. As he would always do at Zayn's place back home, Liam toed the heels of his shoes off and placed them in the corner by the door.

"Yeah, of course. No problem. 'S good to see you," Liam laughs lightly as he straightens up once more. Zayn just stands there for a moment, scratching the nape of his neck. Maybe he should hug Zayn. Liam doesn't.

"You too," he says, turning around quickly enough for Liam to infer he isn't too confident about his actions around him. And Liam has known Zayn for long enough for there not to be tension between them. He hopes Zayn doesn't think he's still upset. He isn't. He'll swear it.

"... so how's the tour going?" Zayn wonders, heading toward the kitchen. Liam follows.

Liam cards a hand through his unstyled hair. It's getting longer again. He hasn't yet decided whether or not he'll be cutting it this time.

He glances around the kitchen. The granite countertops are sparkling in the warm glow of the kitchen light fixtures. The house appears to only have one level - but it's lovely. It's elegant, but at the same time simple. It's Zayn. It's got cream colored walls and ceilings like Zayn's old home before he got to decorating and personalizing.

Liam sees that the kitchen merges into the living room, the different flooring sectioned off by a strip of metal. There isn't a lot of furniture here yet. Liam supposes if Zayn plans to do most of his work here in LA he'll eventually get the place up and running. It's not like there's any rush. Zayn leads his own life now, makes his own choices, calls his own shots.

Liam guesses that was the whole point, really.

"It's been good. It's always been great. I don't think I'll ever not feel good about our performances. The fans make it worth it," _Even if you're not there_ , Liam doesn't dare say.

Zayn smiles to himself, stuffs his hands in the side pockets of his sweats. He knows the feeling Liam is describing. He used to feel the same for some time. In his mind, Liam tries his best not to go there.

"We've been a bit wild on stage, though," Liam huffs a laugh. It's true. He and Louis have let the water/Powerade/silly string fights get out of hand this leg. He isn't entirely ascertain they've ever felt the need to entertain the crowd to such an extent. Maybe it isn't so much for the crowd after all. Maybe it's because we need a distraction.

Zayn bites his bottom lip. "Yeah. I've noticed," And theres something about the way he says that that catches Liam's attention. It's like, he's imagining Zayn scrolling through his timeline in the car on the trip home from a day working in the studio, watching low quality gifs and staring at pictures of them from the night before. Simply because he needed to see them. Even if they're thousands of miles apart.

Liam doesn't know what to say.

"I saw the video," Zayn says. "It was sick. I can't believe NASA let you guys film there,"

Liam nods, hoping he's being genuine enough that Zayn can't tell the smile on his face is forced. He's happy to be here and to see Zayn. But that doesn't mean he's alright. Being here is the biggest reminder that things will never be the same. The past is gone forever.

"Yeah, it was great. Filming was really fun. They like, took us of a tour of the whole base first, so we got to see all the little gadgets and stuff. It was a nice, like, vacation in between," _You would've loved it._

"- And those suits are a lot heavier than they look," As Liam rambles on he notices the pure amusement sparkling in Zayn's eye. He's got this constant look of joy on his face. It hurts to witness only because Liam can tell he's been pining for this moment, to be reconnected with any semblance of home.

It was like when they went on their own tour for the very first time in America. Liam got so homesick some nights, calling his mother or texting his sisters simply couldn't suffice. He just wanted a reminder in a picture, a message, a song, a memory - some reassurance in _anything_ , anything at _all_ that it wasn't going to last forever.

That embedded in the foundations is a home he can always go back to. It keeps him grounded. Has kept him strong for the past five years he's had to go on extensive tours that kept him from his loved ones for months at a time. He feels comfort knowing confidently that in time, they'll always find their way back to one another.

"How's Lou?" Zayn asks, his finger idly tracing his eyebrow. Liam isn't sure what he means at first, but then he gets it.

"He's alright. I mean, I guess he's okay," Liam thinks for a minute. He hasn't noticed any abnormal mannerisms on Louis's behalf lately. He knows the eldest member has never been very fond of public relations and all the work that goes into it for the image of the band. In the past Louis has been known to shut down when everywhere his name was blown up in another tabloid bullshit story that would make them as a group seem more appealing in pop culture. It's one of the many downsides to this job.

"I think he's sort of, over it. At this point. There are good parts and bad parts. I think he's just chosen not to focus on it," Zayn nods, wing like lashes fluttering when he blinks. Maybe Zayn wants to know how he's doing, now that he's abandoned him.

Liam listens to the way he sounds. He feels a little bit like an idiot because the way he's been talking makes it seem like he's passive aggressively telling Zayn all the things he's never had to gall to.

"I just haven't talked to him in a while..." the older man mumbles.

"Well, we've all been up to a lot lately," Liam comments. He definitely doesn't think his words really coincide with the way he feels. He's honestly very much out of his element here. He still isn't sure why Zayn called him over.

Maybe he asked for Liam's presence simply so they could have a chat, engage in petty small talk, fill each other in on what they've been up to these past few months. Maybe that's exactly what Zayn wanted. Liam doubts it highly. A simple phone call could have sufficed if so.

There's definitely a tension in the room that Liam doesn't like. It's never been this tense between the two of them. Not even that night Zayn told him that it _just didn't feel real to him anymore_.

They've been through thick and thin, the two of them. The five of them. And it just doesn't make any sense. Liam doesn't know what he'll do if he can't get over it - if they can't get past this rut. At this point it's needless because there's no use in digging up old skeletons.

Liam knows Zayn better than that. There has to be more that he - unsurprisingly - just isn't ready or intrepid enough to address.

"Anyway, you know how he gets. Give him a call if you're concerned," Liam suggests, stepping closer to Zayn. The man nods, considering it. Liam really hopes he doesn't sound bitter. There are no hard feelings. No relished spite nor reprisal nor implications for broken promises.

"Have you had lunch? I just kind of... had breakfast about an hour or so ago. I could make you something?" Zayn offers, giving Liam a genuine smile. Nothing has changed.

"Oh, no thanks, man. I grabbed something on the way over," Liam tells Zayn. It's not a lie, but there's also something in the pit of Liam's gut warning him not to take anything from Zayn. Be it time, favors, pity, etc. It's not that Liam wants to make Zayn feel bad - and to have no opportunity to make it up to the hearts he broke. He'd just rather Zayn didn't have to worry about it. He's got other things to concentrate on. As does Liam. He's been overthinking things since March.

Zayn nods in understanding, then starts meandering over to his living room instead. Zayn offers Liam a seat beside him on the couch, and he folds his legs criss-crossed the way he does sometimes when they're alone together, talking about deeper things. Well, like the way he used to.

"Nice place," Liam notes, expressionlessly. Because he's actually trying really hard not to break down.

"Yeah, isn't it? I got it for half price," Zayn says proudly, raising his brows at Liam. Liam can't help but smile, really. He's in a bad place.

Because he's missed Zayn so much his chest aches with it. That's truly all Liam knows, all he really feels in this point in time. Everything else is just background noise. It's all static in comparison to this thing that's been blaring at him for the past few months. This signal crying out into the abysmal void, begging him to come on back home. Liam hasn't had a good night's rest in weeks because of it.

Because it's constantly there taunting him - torturing him. Making everything far more difficult than he thought it would be. He wishes he could just let it go.

"... since I'm gonna be working on the album from here," he muses.

"Oh yeah! And how's that going? I haven't gotten around to asking yet," Liam asks, anxiously. He's so incredibly excited to hear all the music Zayn's been making. He won't deny it's been on his mind (probably more than it should).

"It's going good. Like, I'm really happy with the sound we've got so far. I think I've already chosen what's gonna be the first single," His eyes glimmer, like this - when he's talking about the music he's developed. Liam tries not to feel sad about that because - he knows for a fact he's never seen Zayn quite this passionate about the music they created as a band. And he's happy for Zayn, he really is, it's just -

"I haven't really considered ... the other stuff, like. Release dates and tours and that," Zayn ruminates, pinching his chin between his thumb and index knuckle as he stares below at the vapid flooring.

He's distracted. Liam can tell by the way his knee shakes ever so slightly. Zayn is almost an open book to Liam now. They could never be apart long enough for him to forget all of Zayn's little ticks. He's the only person in five years who has had the chance to know them so intimately. As close friends, Liam is as acquainted with Zayn as he is with the back of his hand.

"How do you feel about that? Like, going on your own tours and stuff, by yourself?" Liam inquires, tone noticeably softer than when he last spoke. That's because he feels like he should be at least a little reverent about this topic.

Because he knows for a fact he and Zayn have discussed this before. He already knows Zayn hates the idea of being alone. Especially in a silence hotel room or under the burn of the spotlight on the other side of the globe. Liam has been there for his bandmate when he was in the depths of unfathomable loneliness. Or rather, Zayn was there for him. Always.

Liam has a fear of being alone. 

Zayn can seclude himself from the others if he wants to. He's confident enough to be able to hide in self inflicted isolation. He doesn't get anxiety or lay awake in his bed at night worrying if they'll eventually grow tired of him and leave.

It's simply not something Zayn thought about on his road to adulthood. He never struggled with acceptance growing up. Because he has always been the type of person that can say ' _fuck you_ ' and not feel any remorse for standing up for himself. He would never apologize for being who he is or what he's had to do in order to be heard. Liam has always admired Zayn for that. Envied him just a little bit.

"I don't know," Zayn sighs, carding a hand through his raven locks. He pushes the tuft further back, not really doing much - but just needing something to do with his hands.

He's quiet for a long moment after that. Liam only notices it once the silence is broken. Because for the first time since his arrival Liam has the courage to give Zayn clear, unobscured eye contact.

And he should have done it sooner. Zayn makes his breath catch in his throat. His long lashes cast a weak shadow on his cheekbones and because they're sitting side by side Liam can see the cut of Zayn's jawline, the dip and bob of his Adam's apple when he swallows in deep thought, the jut of his collarbones where his t-shirt scoops under his wings. Liam really has a habit of depriving himself of the best things in life.

"I haven't really thought about it. I mean, I have. But, like," Zayn looks at Liam, something lethal, almost like - regret housed in those pretty brown eyes. But Liam probably imagined it. Just like all those other times.

"I can't imagine doing that just yet. I mean, I don't even know if people will like my stuff," Zayn chuckles dryly, letting his head fall back on the couch. Liam scoffs, sincerely. As sincerely as a person can scoff. Zayn's talking rubbish right now.

"Of course they will. Don't put yourself down like that," Liam genuinely feels angered by how pessimistic Zayn's already thinking. Which counteracts his inclination to feel torn by Zayn's departure. He'll defend Zayn until the day he dies. He loves Zayn.

And it's not like Liam wants Zayn to fail. He wants Zayn's life to be all he dreamed and then some. He wishes all the happiness and all the luck and every last bit of sunshine in the meadow to his best friend. He wants Zayn to succeed. He's not petty. Liam is not.

"I mean, I just don't want to sleep in hotel rooms alone. I don't think I'd like that very much," Zayn reroutes the conversation. Typical behavior for the lad. Liam knows there are still certain things Zayn doesn't feel comfortable discussing with him. They've always been close, but Liam knows there are dark places in Zayn's mind that he doesn't share with anyone.

"Especially when I've been used to putting up with you lot," Zayn tries to lighten the mood, nudging Liam's elbow. His tone has been a little doleful for the past few sentences.

Liam grants him a smile in retort. "Yeah,"

The atmosphere is thick above their bodies. The silence of dead air has Liam fidgeting with his shirt again. His hands are sweaty still, joints jittery. He doesn't want to waste this time they have together compensating for fruitless formalities.

"How are you and Soph?" Zayn asks, peering over at Liam through hooded eyes.

Liam licks his lip, stares at the blank walls of Zayn's new living room before coming up with an honest response. He isn't sure what to say just yet. He never really knows what to say when someone asks him that. But most definitely not Zayn.

Because Zayn knows about Sophia. They've talked about it before.

"Good. She's been on tour with us for the most of this leg. It's nice to have her around," he considers. He doesn't really want to talk about that, though. He's aware that Zayn knows exactly why. Because unlike Liam, Zayn knows all of Liam's deepest, darkest secrets.

He doesn't say it out loud, but Liam knows why Zayn brought it up.

Liam isn't in love with Sophia. They're together, of course. Liam talks to her from day to day about how he feels, holds her hand when his feels empty, sleeps with her when the bed is too cold. She's his confidant, a good listener, a good companion. Liam needs to have someone beside him. Zayn once said he was glad she came along. Because things are complicated and Liam has a fear of being alone.

He doesn't think he'll ever really, truly find love. Liam doesn't think he'll ever propose to Sophia— or anyone, for that matter. He can't see himself having a wife and kids, something he's always dreamed of. Life is so hard right now for reasons Liam can't quite comprehend. Because he's so copiously blessed in this life. He's worked hard. They've earned all they have. He is constantly surrounded by amazing people who want him to succeed. Everybody loves him. Everybody loves Liam Payne from international pop band sensation ' _One Direction'_.

It's unbelievable; how complacent Liam has gotten already. And it's only been five years. Five incredible years and they're still going strong. This is his dream. It's always been Liam's dream. This has to be a dream. And Liam feels disgusted with himself for wishing for one fucking day he could just wake up.

He wants to be human again. He wants to have a future. He wants to have a life. He wants his life _back_.

And Zayn just wants to know how he's dealing with the fact that he'll never really be able to have it.

"Sounds like you two are already engaged," Zayn jokes, turning onto his side. Liam smirks though it's humorless, and looks down.

It would be almost funny if it hadn't already happened to one of them.

"Still not going to rush it," Liam chuckles.

It gets quiet after that. Zayn reaches out and fiddles with the hem of Liam's shirt. He's always been so tactile - especially when he's with them. He needs to feel closer to the ones he loves.

"I miss you," Zayn murmurs, almost to himself. Liam catches it, though. He's attune to Zayn's gentle voice, hears everything he says even when his mouth is shut.

"I miss you too," Liam agrees. Zayn's eyes are warm, that deep brown hue that gleams in the sunlight on particularly hot days in August. He's not used to coping through everyday without getting at least a glimpse of Zayn's undying pulchritude. He feels like a fan most nights; desperate to keep his relationship with photographs and videos and audio of his former bandmate alive.

Liam misses Zayn like a flower would miss the sun on a cloudy day. Zayn is his endless love. His underlying passion. His hazy daydream while he lounges by the hotel pool. He sees Zayn in the birds that soar above his head, singing as they float along the gentle breeze. He hears Zayn's voice when he's got his headphones in, trying his best to imitate falsetto the way only he could perform. Liam sees the clear blue sky in the middle of roaring thunder storm when he thinks about Zayn. He still tucks himself into one of Zayn's hoodies when he's feeling nostalgic, falls asleep inhaling memories- the combination of saccharine cologne and the spice of cigarette smoke. Zayn is one of those people who are impossible not to fall in love with. Liam thinks he was the very first to discover it.

They've always been there for each other; have always comforted one another in the bad times. And he doesn't know what to do. He feels absolutely helpless without Zayn. The world just doesn't feel right anymore. Liam no longer smiles for no reason.

He feels torn between what _feels_ right and what he knows is right. Liam has a job to do. He knows none of this comes for free and that he has an obligation to the world to deliver. But it's difficult when his dream is getting more and more sour as the years add up. He doesn't get how Zayn could just - end it. Liam could never. It's been the ride of his life. But it's much harder to feel that way without his way back home.

Because Liam is no longer confident that when things go wrong Zayn will be there.

Then Zayn is moving closer, facing Liam and crossing the boundary into his personal space. Liam only feels comfortable with Zayn this close to him.

Liam swallows. He watches Zayn place his hand on his thigh, knuckles stroking the material of his jeans as if he were a phantom of his dreams.

"I just wish I could see you more, you know?" Zayn hums, biting his lip.

"Yeah," Liam breathes. He's always thought Zayn was pretty for a lad. He'd be more than mortified if he had to admit it out loud, though.

They don't talk for a minute or two after that. Zayn is moving even closer into more than friendly territory. It's come out out of nowhere really— it always does. Zayn never asks before touching Liam or kissing him.

He doesn't really need to at this point, but.

"Is this okay?" Zayn asks finally, when his hand is caressing Liam's jaw. Liam blinks, glancing down between them because he's suddenly lost all the bravery he's been known to have. Zayn makes him forget who he is. Makes him forget everything except those eyes.

"Yeah,"

But he knows that once their gazes meet he won't be able to control himself.

"You sure?" Zayn checks one last time, cupping Liam's jaw, nudging his chin up with his thumb, raising his gaze.

His breath is already picking up. Which is in fact the first warning that this is not something that should be happening. Liam's body knows him too well, reads Zayn's suggestive actions as a dangerous offense, and tries its best to recapture Liam's attention before things escalate and he loses himself. And after so many years, Zayn should be able to read his distress, and maybe he does see it. But Zayn is a horrible, horrible listener. And evidently - so is Liam.

He leans forward slowly, dusting his lips against Liam's. It's only a soft peck; nothing to get overzealous about. Liam knows that it's just - it's been so _long_. It feels like they've been apart for decades when it's only been a few months. It's just - it's the longest they've ever really been separated, since the beginning.

And Liam still can't wrap his mind around this, he has to get _used_ to Zayn's absence, to learn to live with the void in his heart, and to be okay with it. It sounds impossible right now, with Zayn's heat blazing across his nerve endings, his bones flush against him, his eyes boring into Liam's soul.

Zayn pulls away, his eyes hooded as his thumb caresses Liam's cheek. It's ruddy now, he can feel it. He doesn't think he'll ever be able to suppress his embarrassment when Zayn gives him that look.

Liam finally looks up. It's short lived at first - he's so tense. He's terrified. He doesn't want to get hurt anymore. He doesn't want to hurt Zayn anymore.

"Relax," Zayn mumbles, capturing Liam's lips again. They're soft and warm against his, those thin fingers cool and calming against his heated skin.

Liam's eyes trace Zayn's movement when he pulls away, hypnotized. He can't understand how this is so natural for Zayn, how Zayn doesn't feel like his heart is being torn out of his chest.

And it's like Zayn wants that to happen. It's like Zayn wants Liam to lose his mind - and that fact really shouldn't make him feel as good as it does.

"Tell me to stop," Zayn offers, before deepening the kiss. Liam breathes in through his nose, tilting his head to the side to help slot their lips back together. He's fairly aware that he's enjoying this too much. The last person that snogged him as good as Zayn was - well, Zayn.

Liam sighs, before a wave of uncontainable desire surges through him. He always gets this way with Zayn, feeling like there's no way on earth he could ever stop himself from such a surge of attraction for one human being.

"... don't want you to stop," Liam mutters against Zayn's lips, feels Zayn's arms glide around his neck before he can even process it.

Then they're full on making out of Zayn's couch in his new home, the smell of drywall and cheap air fresheners still pungent in the aura around them.

Zayn slips his tongue into Liam's mouth, hums happily when they're lips reconnect. Liam is running his hands up and down Zayn's sides, desperate to feel more of him.

The sound of their lips separating echoes through Liam's cloudy mind as Zayn moves. He's not exactly graceful about it, falling into Liam's lap with a huff and a sheepish smile.

Liam eyes Zayn hungrily as he wraps his arms around his much thinner torso, fingers curling around the flimsy fabric of Zayn's t-shirt. Zayn's hands cup Liam's throat with both hands as their chests align, pressing him against the couch so he can have all the access to his mouth.

He's so selfish about these things, but that's because they're only for _him_. Liam wouldn't dare trust anyone else to do these things to his body, elicit such primitive desires, steal the true nature from his timid form. He trusts Zayn more than he should, considering the amount of times he's been hurt by him.

"Liam," Zayn breathes, his teeth gently tugging on Liam's bottom lip. In response Liam clenches his fist around Zayn's collar, wrinkling the material as he draws his body closer. Zayn sounds desperate, like he'd been thinking about this long before Liam even showed up.

And Liam feels like he's steadily losing all control. Zayn is just so fucking hot all the God damn time, always eager to push him beyond his comfortable limits, to see how far he can go before Liam grabs him like a rag doll and pulls his hair just to prove he's not scared. Liam can't believe he's the one who gets to experience Zayn this way, behind closed doors where the magic and the mayhem truly collide. He's mad for it.

" _Fuck_ \- _Zayn_ ," Liam grits when Zayn starts moving his hips -

He can't breathe. It always goes so fast between them. It's frantic and desperate and often pathetic because there is so much bullshit between them, so many complications and awkward formalities and feelings and memories and complications and history that make everything so damn hard to stomach.

But when they finally admit it - finally give in to the inexplicable, intrinsic desire they have for one another. They're _animals_.

The kisses are bruising - grasps painfully tight. Liam finally takes control of the situation, licks deep into Zayn's mouth while grinding his hips up because he knows what that does to the older.

Zayn huffs out a bothered breath when Liam pulls away for oxygen. He smiles at Liam, and all around them feels like a beautiful dream. Or maybe it's a nightmare.

Zayn moves back in, this time pausing to rest their foreheads together like he does in especially intimate moments. Liam sees the way his lips are a deep pink, slightly glossy with saliva. His pupils are dilated, chest rising and falling too quickly.

Liam just revels in Zayn's warmth for a moment, runs his hands up Zayn's back, feels out the curve of his spine through the cotton. Zayn mouths at his neck, going even further down and Liam tilts his head back out of pure instinct to have him closer.

"Miss this so much," Zayn murmurs, as if the thought of being without Liam is absolutely agonizing. Liam feels his hands slip up under Zayn's shirt, fingertips burning with contact of his flushed skin.

_Zayn has no fucking idea._

When he pulls up from Liam's neck, fingers dusting over a few love bites he's left - Liam pushes their mouths back together, yanking Zayn closer by his hips.

Zayn has always seemed to like it when Liam gets rough with him - undeniably so. Liam can't help himself, though. He can't stop himself when he's got Zayn in his lap, panting and moaning and just begging to be closer to Liam.

It's been so long, Liam can't even remember the last time they were close like this. Zayn bites Liam's bottom lip, tugs it slowly—and at that, another cauterizing pulse of arousal shoots through Liam's bones and on impulse - he grabs Zayn's thighs, hitches them up around his hips and stands from his seat on the couch. Zayn's arms are tight around Liam's neck, clinging to him like he's afraid if he loosens even slightly - Liam will disappear.

Zayn murmurs against his lips to go left, trying his best to direct Liam while he's still attached to his lips. Zayn's snickering against Liam's cheek when he hits his foot on the entry way to his bedroom. Liam curses, falls onto Zayn's bed with a deep chuckle.

Then, Liam is violently tearing the clothes off of Zayn's body, mouthing over his chest once the shirt is removed. Liam tries his very best to revel in all of the moment but he can't - not in this state of uncontrollable desire. He wants to savor Zayn; his soft tan skin, the jut of his collarbones, the dark ink on his body - he's overwhelmed by this feeling because he knows he can't have all of it. They don't have the time for both. And Liam thinks that's got to be the worst part.

Zayn frantically tugs at the button of Liam's jeans, undoes his zip and then pushes the waist down his hips. Zayn stares up at him, those gorgeous eyes shimmering with need, teeth slow and sinking into that bottom lip. Liam tries his best to stay focused, to stay on task. They don't have forever and for some reason he keeps forgetting that.

All of Zayn's delicate features glow in the afternoon sun light. He's always been a work of art to Liam. The way he's panting, his cheeks warm, brow is furrowed with impatience because he's waited just as long as Liam has.

And Liam's frantically working at the buttons of his shirt when he leans in and kisses Zayn again, both hands racing in restless need to hurry up and finish so they can touch more of his beautiful skin. Zayn helps undo the lower half, and their hands meet before Liam is yanking the shirt from his shoulders and shucking it off of the bed.

Liam delves back into Zayn, tongue prying his lips apart to slide deep into his mouth. Zayn groans, hips rutting up like he hasn't had a shag in weeks- Which is absurd and Liam knows it's not true, but he can't help but wonder.

Zayn's reaching his hands up, desperately pulling at Liam's shoulders to try and pull him back in. Their movements are quick and intermittent, jerky and unthought of. Liam for sure isn't thinking when he grabs Zayn's thigh, hitches it up over his hip and grinds down.

Zayn swallows hard at the sensation, lips parting and his frown deepening. Liam knows just what to do - loves riling this man up to a point where he's absolutely speechless with want and drowning in his own lust.

Liam kisses Zayn's neck, sucks softly at his pulse point as his hips push forward. He really does know Zayn's body so well, almost too well. They've done this enough that he doesn't hesitate to leave marks because he knows that's what Zayn likes.

Zayn's breaths are sporadic, just punching from his chest because he's already so overcome. Liam nips at his jaw, rubs his hand up Zayn's thigh and back down at a tantalizing pace.

Liam is so unbelievably turned on, but he doesn't even know why. Zayn just does these things to him, makes him feel unapologetically _alive_ in a way that might be impolite to the rest of the world. Liam doesn't know what he's capable of with Zayn. Ever since they first started experimenting, Liam was driven by this passion, this painful need that seemingly devoured his sense of rationality, contorted his judgement. Like gasoline to a scalding fire, his need for Zayn has now become so infectious, so overpowering that Liam genuinely fears the man he'll have to face in the mirror. Somehow he changed, melted into Zayn's capable hands, and now he's trapped, without a maker, without a purpose. He doesn't know what to do with this constant ache in the bottom of his heart. He doesn't know how he'll cope -

And Liam feels ridiculous for it. He feels stupid for needed Zayn so much when Zayn clearly doesn't need him the same way. Liam is rutting against Zayn like he means it now - hips grinding in so deep hard while his teeth press into the side of Zayn's neck. He's buried his face there, doesn't want Zayn to see how broken he truly is without him.

Zayn is sweating, chest rising and falling so rapidly, heart racing in anticipation. He runs his hands up Liam's biceps, smooths them across Liam's shoulders to cup either side of his throat. Liam can feel Zayn's leg falling back into the mattress, too weak with arousal to keep it there.

"Liam," Zayn breathes, thumbs brushing against the softness of Liam's beard.

Liam listens - with all his heart he listens like its the most important thing Zayn's will ever say because he never knows when he might miss something that is. (Because Zayn will often start - start speaking then shake his head, and say 'never mind' or 'it's stupid'. And Liam wouldn't be able to put numbers to the amount of words and phrases he's missed simply because of that.)

Liam kisses Zayn again, tracing his own fingers over Zayn's blushing torso. Liam hums, awaiting Zayn's words because he is always curious to hear them. No matter how trivial.

"I love you," Zayn says, languidly, accent thick with his affection. Or maybe it's his arousal. Either way Liam thinks he sounds sincere, not like the ' _love you's_ Liam was used to hearing from Zayn from day to day - either in the studio with the others or on stage or even on live, national television. It's the more private ' _I love you_ ' that Liam knows is for his ears only.

And he feels his chest burn just a little hotter.

The kiss a bit more, until Zayn is writhing beneath him and pushing his hips up in search of some friction. He's so hard - Liam feels just how hard when he runs his hand over the tent in Zayn's pants, gives him a soft squeeze through the material.

But Liam doesn't relent just yet. He's still soaking in the feeling of Zayn all around him - inhaling his familiar scent, tasting his sweet skin and relishing in his body heat. Liam doesn't think he had enough time with Zayn before he left him and wishes that maybe somehow he can make up for it with the moments he has now.

"You have lube?" Liam asks, kissing down Zayn's chest. Zayn threads his fingers through Liam's hair, hooded eyes watching his every move.

"Yeah," Zayn answers. He doesn't make a move or gesture to Liam just yet. Instead he closes his eyes, inhales through his nose at the feeling of Liam's lips against his skin.

"Hm?" Liam cups Zayn through the cotton of his briefs, teases his thumb against his shaft in question. Zayn wriggles against the mattress, whining petulantly as he reaches under the pillow beneath his head and retrieves a bottle of lube.

Liam smiles fondly, watching the changes wash over Zayn's face when he continues to palm him through the material. The drag must be a sensation. He stops after a moment - too impatient to continue teasing the older lad any longer.

With one hand Liam tears Zayn's briefs down his thighs and tugs them off of his legs while the other runs over his torso, feeling out the smooth ripples of his ribs, gliding over his sternum. Zayn's always been so thin - can't help it. He eats whatever he wants and never puts on any weight. It's the cigarettes, Liam knows.

Liam takes the lube from him, smiles lustfully as he catches Zayn's lips with his own.

He pulls back and Zayn watches him with brown eyes that go big at the slightest touches, nibbling a bottom lip that bruises with the softest kiss, cheeks that burn at the least amount of affection.

Liam smirks at him, before he roughly grabs Zayn's thighs and pushes them up against his chest. His legs bend, hips most likely strained. Zayn trusts him, though. Liam knows that.

Zayn gasps softly when Liam positions his cold, wet finger at his entrance. It's been forever since they've done this type of thing together and Liam can't help but wonder if it's been as long for Zayn as its been for him.

He kisses along Zayn's thigh as he scissors two fingers inside of him. Liam watches his chest rise and fall as he bends them at the knuckle, rubbing them against his walls in hopes up reacquainting himself with that soft bump. It takes a bit, but eventually Liam grazes that spot. Zayn keens on contact, his back arching beautifully. Liam gets a rush at this power trip. He's absolutely whipped by Zayn in any other setting, but in bed - Liam is king.

He slips a third finger in easily, after a few moments. Liam stretches them apart just to be sure that Zayn is prepared. He's always been a bit overly cautious about it. But Zayn's never complained.

Soon enough, Liam is pulling his fingers out gently, wiping excess lube onto the sheets. He hopes Zayn doesn't mind it.

Liam then shuffles back up the bed so that he's level with the elder's lips. God, he's missed them. His forearms press into the bed on either side of Zayn's head, and the soft sound of their lips separating resonates against the walls of the room. In Liam's mind, that reminds him to savor every kiss as if it were their last. He's regretted not doing so countless times in the past.

They get lost in it again - not on purpose but. It's been so long, and Liam can't help himself. Zayn's right here in front of him, burning with desire, wanting him just as much and that's just - it's almost too good to be true.

Liam feels like he's lost control. He kisses Zayn so hard he forgets everything else around them. He forgets where they are and what reality is. He forgets that Zayn's not his for the taking. And that this is the only way Liam will ever have him.

He moves back a bit, settles himself between Zayn's legs in a way that's most comfortable for the both of them. He smooths his hand over the back of Zayn's thigh, gazing at him briefly before snapping himself out of it.

Liam pulls his foreskin back, positions his tip at Zayn's entrance, applies a small amount of pressure there so it slides in slowly. Liam watches Zayn at first - knows he has to be careful foremost. He glides in gradually, feels his hands trembling slightly in fear of messing up.

Zayn's watching him with hooded eyes, chest rising and falling against the sheets so quickly. Liam takes a deep breath and makes a mental note to savor all of it. This isn't the first reminder he's had that Zayn's not constant. He'd be a fool to let it slip through his fingertips again.

Liam swallows hard as he bottoms out, skin flush against skin. Zayn's brow furrows as he adjusts to the intrusion.

Liam kisses Zayn to distract him, thumbing at his jaw when he pulls away. He noses at Zayn's facial hair, absorbing the comfort of his scent. Liam hadn't forgotten. He just can't believe how much he's missed it- hadn't realized how dependent he was on it until it was no longer within reach.

Liam runs one hand down Zayn's torso, tracing the ridges of his abdomen until he's reached the fine hairs right below his tummy. Liam takes hold of Zayn's cock, slowly stroking it, thumb dipping into the head to smear the precome down his shaft before sliding back up. That seems to take his mind off of everything else. Zayn exhales, eyes falling shut, his chest collapsing into the mattress.

Zayn tugs Liam back down after a minute, has his hands pressed against Liam's cheeks as he coaxes Liam's tongue back into his mouth.

Liam finally allows himself to enjoy the tightness of Zayn around him - the perks of keeping this special between just the two of them. He trails his lips down Zayn's neck then, mumbling against his skin, asking if it's alright to move.

Zayn nods as he slips his arms around Liam, running those calloused hands down his back.

Liam mouths at Zayn's skin as he pulls out and thrusts back in. He tries to go slow, but he's straining for more more _more_ at this point - the heat between their bodies is too intense to ignore.

He's set the pace in no time at all. Zayn's hooked his ankles around the back of Liam's thighs, trying to pull him in even deeper. Liam rolls his hips in deep, sinking his teeth into Zayn's neck before soothing the sore spots with his tongue.

Zayn moans, his voice weak with pleasure. Liam knows his body well enough not to falter. He knows what Zayn sounds like when he's feeling good, knows how to keep him happy and can read distress signals better than he should.

The pressure of the drag is incredible and Liam groans into Zayn's neck once he really starts to feel it. It's so fucking good and he's just - he can't even fathom it. Liam loses himself in it - as always. He starts to move faster, starts flicking his hips up, angling them up slightly.

Zayn claws at Liam's back when he hits that spot, his body tremulous with the feeling. Liam takes a moment to appreciate the way his face is flushed, a pink tint high on his cheeks that only shows in moments like these. Zayn's lips are slightly parted, frown deep as he focuses on the euphoric sensation. Watching Zayn have sex is obscene, Liam thinks. He's so damn beautiful and Liam's chest burns.

Zayn's rocking his hips up now - chasing every bit Liam has to offer. Liam grunts into the crook of Zayn's neck, starts rutting in quick - motions frantic. He's so turned on he doesn't even know what to do; how to deal with it. Liam doesn't know what this means. All he knows is that he can't handle the way Zayn's groaning his name in desperation, little huffs punching from his chest as he arches beneath him.

" - Liam," Zayn moans softly, his eyes clenched in ecstasy. Liam's watches over him, fire in his pupils because he knows what this is. He knows exactly what this means. And Liam just wishes there was something he could do to stop it from taking him over.

Liam can feel the mattress protesting beneath them. Zayn's fingers gouge into his back, slipping down his spine in a futile effort to gain purchase. Liam knows this is the way Zayn likes it best. His emotions are all over the place and he's fucking Zayn the way he feels - like he's missed him.

Sweat is pooled in the dip of Zayn's collarbones. His whole body is coated in a thin sheen of it, actually. Liam feels it too. A bead of it rolls down his temple. The room is so hot, their bodies sweltering.

Liam can already feel the heat coiling in the pit of his stomach. He knows he won't last long. That doesn't make him stop, though. He wants to give this to Zayn; knows neither one of them is going to be able to take much more anyway.

"Fuck - harder, Liam," Zayn mutters, wetting his lips. He tosses his head back against the bed when Liam complies, hips smacking into his backside amorously.

"Good enough?" Liam grits, nipping at Zayn's neck again. He's going to have hickeys littering his skin tomorrow. It's going to mark him, remind him of what they did together - and Liam doesn't know how to feel about that.

"No," Zayn bites his lip, a smile teasing it's way up the corners of his mouth. His eyes still gleam at him, even when he's burning with arousal. Liam chuckles lowly, thrusting just a little bit harder for him regardless.

And it doesn't take much longer for Liam to feel his peak. Zayn lets out one of those breathy moans - his lips falling open like he can't even process this pleasure he feels. Liam gets a surge of pride, knowing that he's done that; knowing that no one else can do to Zayn what he can.

And that feeling of belonging, of purpose, of ability - it's irreplaceable. Liam will never feel this for anyone else. It's so painfully clear. Liam can only hope the same goes for him. Knowing Zayn, anything is possible.

"Faster... shit -" Zayn curses, voice soundings strained. Liam moans brokenly. He feels the same. He's fucking Zayn as fast as he can. He flicks his hips in deep, pulling out almost all the way just to make it good for them both.

"I'm close," Liam tells Zayn, as if it means anything. He can't help but feel so connected to Zayn whether it means anything or not. It is, after all, just sex. Which lost its meaning eons ago.

Liam doesn't know why the thought of that makes him feel so shitty. He doesn't know why that makes him give Zayn his everything - fucking into him so hard and so fast the springs of the bed groan in protest.

It's ridiculous, how stupid Liam is being. He'd thought he'd gotten over it a long time ago— that stupid dream where his efforts could have any impact of Zayn. He used to think Zayn loved him just as much - that if he needed something Zayn would bend over backwards to make him happy in the same respect Liam had for him all those years. Liam used to think his love was somewhat requited, and that his actions could show Zayn how much he really cared. 

Liam once thought that if he'd begged Zayn, talked it over with him and promised to stick by him that he wouldn't feel the need to take things into his own hands. Liam - silly Liam - had believed in his heart that maybe Zayn would reconsider leaving if he laid his heart out on the table. And that's maybe, probably why it hurts so damn much. Because Liam could never be enough. Liam just wasn't a good enough _reason_ for Zayn to stay.

"Fuck, _fuck_ , Liam - " Zayn cries, his voice high and tinny. He's close too. Liam can hear the way his breaths are heaving out, feel the way his body shivers with every stroke, can taste the need on his tongue when he licks into Zayn's mouth.

Zayn's panting against Liam - barely kissing back as Liam snakes a hand between their bodies to wrap around his girth. He's so hard and Liam empathizes, strokes him quickly while his lips hover the corner of Zayn's mouth. Zayn's grip tightens and just like that - Liam feels his muscles tense.

He orgasms silently, as he always does- his eyelids twitching shut when his body seizes up, come pulsing down his shaft and spilling over Liam's knuckles. Liam watches as he shudders through it, the image burned behind his eyelids as he continues to roll his hips into Zayn, desperately seeking out his own release.

Then he's muffling a groan into Zayn's chest, riding out the high until he's shuddering with the aftershocks. Liam is still breathing heavily when he comes down. Zayn's running his fingers through his hair, lifting his head, eyes roaming to check if he's alright. (Because Zayn never says much in moments like these. He doesn't voice the things he feels when the air is this thick, but he shows it nonetheless.)

Liam doesn't exactly have the right words either - can't imagine any would suffice to express the way he truly feels inside. It's been hard enough today to talk like old friends when they both know there's so much more to their story.

It's a minute or two before Liam pulls out and lays down on the bed beside Zayn's flaccid body. He rests his hand flat against Zayn's warm chest as his breathing steadies, keeps his gaze on the sheets so he doesn't have to face the toxins boiling in his bloodstream. Liam doesn't know if he'll ever be ready to face them.

Eventually he rolls onto his side to face Liam. Zayn swallows audibly, as he reaches out to touch him. Liam takes Zayn's hand, turning it over so he can see his tattoos. He's gotten a few since he's left, has started a second sleeve up his other arm and Liam wants to ask what they mean but he doesn't want to disturb the peace.

He presses his lips to Zayn's knuckles instead, rubs his cheek against his palm. Zayn smiles, keeps his hand there once Liam lets go, and the soothing touch is something Liam hasn't yet grasped his need for.

"When do you go back?" Zayn asks once he's caught his breath. He glances up shyly, those long lashes still slightly wet with tears.

"Tomorrow," Liam murmurs, looking down. It makes him seem like the heartbreaker - to fuck Zayn the day before he leaves. Maybe that's what Liam should have done - maybe it would've made Zayn feel different, like a heat of the moment type of thing.

Liam huffs at his thoughts, scratches the back of his neck as he starts to sit up. Zayn just looks at him, wearing that unreadable face he does when he's vulnerable. It's like, he doesn't want to say what's on his mind because he's afraid of the consequences.

And Liam understand that- he does, but. It's just so hard these days. To not say something. Because who knows when they'll get the chance again. To be under these circumstances. Where they're both so fucking full of it. Too dazed out from the sex. To stop themselves from feeling the feelings they've suppressed for so long. It's an endless cycle. Liam knows they'll always be fighting until someone is brave enough to speak up.

"... got an early flight. Like, four in the morning or summat," Liam distracts himself as he gets up from the bed, starts collecting his clothes. Zayn doesn't move.

"Sounds awful," he snickers as he pushes his hand through his hair, no doubt reminiscing the good old days. Zayn always hated how fast paced their lives were - how they never had a proper sleeping schedule on tour and we're always boarding hour long flights at midnight in order to avoid the crowds.

"Yeah," Liam says as he slides his briefs back on, snapping the waistband against his hips.

"Could you get my joggers?" Zayn asks, still sprawled out on his back. Liam hesitates for a moment before he processes the request. He looks round the floor until he finds them at the foot of the bed. He tosses them to Zayn and he slips them on.

"Thanks," the older man says. Liam feels his chest contract because it seems so easy for Zayn to just - move on. Like they weren't just moaning each other's names ten minutes ago. It's crazy. It's stupid.

It's been stupid and irresponsible ever since the first night they ever spent together, back in 2012 - panting into each other's mouths like dogs in rut because they were so in lust with one another that they resorted to animalistic behavior; had locked themselves in that hotel room on the American leg and sure as hell got a teasing the next day when they showed up late to sound check with sex-ravished hair and innumerous lovebites. It's was pathetic.

It's always been absurd, how they couldn't even keep their hands off of one another long enough to pretend to be best friends in front of a million screaming fans. They weren't fooling anyone but themselves with that shit. Liam still can't believe how far they've come - yet they still play these games as if they're children. Dancing around one another. Toying with feelings and wincing when they drop and shatter like glass.

But Zayn shows Liam out that day, standing in the doorframe as he watches the younger man make the trip down the block to where the rental car has been parked for the past two hours.

And even though his heart hurts, he knows there isn't anything to be done about it. They've chosen separate paths now.

Zayn waves as Liam drives past, turns around and goes back into his home.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading.  
> i'm on [tumblr](http://lol----no.tumblr.com) if you're game to cry with me about it.


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